Stoners come in all shapes and sizes. Whether it be your high school neighbor, your 80 year-old senile grandpa, or your pet lizard, everyone seems to be smoking the marijuana now. With 26 states and DC having some form of marijuana legalization, whether it be recreational or medical, the nation seems ready to turn a new leaf on pot.
As legalization spreads and many people from across the country begin to use marijuana for the first time, a seemingly simple question may arise in the minds of many: How do I smoke it?
If you are one of these people, I suggest you get out from under your bomb shelter and step into 2017 (the current year in case you were wondering). While your eyes are still adjusting to the light from the sun, let’s explore the different methods marijuana smokers are using today and what each one says about them.
At the end of the article, I also went ahead to include some favorite products within each category, in case you feel like switching it up from the tried and true rolling papers (not that there's anything wrong with joints).
The Joint / Rolling Papers
Ahh, the old classic. No one looks cooler when smoking a nicely-rolled joint on the street corner, waiting for the pizza delivery guy to come. Joint smokers are the old timers who remember the glory days when the music was “real” and the weed was mostly dirt. Whether you learn how to roll the perfect joint from Wiz Khalifa or from your fun uncle, impress all your friends with this timeless art form.
Everybody who rolls joints has a go-to rolling paper. I happen to love RAWs because they are unbleached and have a nice feel when rolling. Be sure to try a bunch, because you won't know your favorite until you've given them each a roll. Each kind of papers rolls differently, burns differently, and more.
Blunts are the fatter cousins of joints. Instead of wrapping the weed in regular rolling papers, blunts are wrapped in cigar wrapping or a tobacco leaf if you’re feeling fancy. Swisher Sweets are the go-to for the real OGs but if you’re smoking blunts, you probably already knew that.
Some other popular blunts include Dutch Masters, Phillies, and White Owls. Most blunt brands even make different flavors of blunts so you can roll up a little chocolate, vanilla, or grape taste if you like.
Spliff smokers are the heretics. Wrapped in regular wrapping paper, spliffs contain a mixture of both marijuana and tobacco. Not sure if you’re given a joint or a spliff? Just wait for the first person to smoke it and if he has the “oh my god I can’t breathe and I might throw up” look, odds are he’s smoking a spliff.
You are organized, clean, punctual, and economical. After each hit, you put out the fire with your thumb to save every microgram of weed possible. You named your bowl Snuggles after your first parakeet, but it shattered to pieces when Brian tried to blow bubbles with it. Fuck Brian.
Bong smokers are the privileged rich kids who spent $500 of their parents’ money on a six foot Italian masterpiece named Bertha. Bongs aren’t the most mobile so it’s best to just keep it on the coffee table in your living room until you think of a better place. And while it’s there, you might as well...
There's all kinds of variations when it comes to bongs. They can be as simple or as complex as any stoner could possibly imagine. Some look like chemistry sets, such as the beaker-bottomed and straight-tube varieties. Other bongs, such as the $8,900 Illadelph collab shown above look like crazy works of art.
The Gravity "Grav" Bong
Gravity bongs are like regular bongs if they were poor, joined a frat, and just finished a five hour case-rase. One big hit at of one of these bad boys means a quick KO. Just be careful that none of your frat bros draws a dick on your face when you’re passed out.
On the left, you'll see one of my favorite gravity bongs - the Grav Labs' Gravitron XL. This work of art is sure to bring you from 0 to 100 real quick.
You don’t get high from smoking weed: it’s the the thrill of smoking that really gets you going. You like to smoke on the move, constantly looking over your shoulder to avoid the police officer on your tail. Remember to always bring a pack of cigarettes with you so that when someone thinks you’re smoking a cig and asks for one, you can play it cool without blowing your cover.
Anyone looking to pick up a small piece for on-the-go smoking should consider buying a one-hitter. Just like bongs, they come in all kinds of different designs, so you're sure to find one you like. There's even a "Pocket Monster Flute" one-hitter that looks like the flute out of Pokemon.
The Apple Pipe
You still haven’t replaced the bowl Brian broke and you’re out of rolling papers so you’re looking for any last ditch option to smoke your greens.
Either that or you saw some informative YouTube video praising the healing effects smoking through an organic apple will have on your nutrient uptake. Don’t believe it. Making a good apple pipe is no easy task and only the true smoking veterans can get it just right.
The Wooden Pipe
Take it easy over there, Gandalf. You don’t look cool smoking weed out of this antiquated smoking method and your pipe isn’t nearly as cool as the one in National Treasure. There’s a reason why we have glass.
The Dab Rig
(Photo Credit - Steven Schwartz via Flickr)
You ain’t messing around if you're messing with dab rigs. While one dab hit sends your friends into five hour paranoid stupors, you return back into your nature state of eating potato chips and watching Always Sunny. Don’t be surprised if half the party leaves when you bring out the blowtorch, though.
The Tin Foil Pipe
Quit skipping your classes and tell your mom to invest in Cancer treatment organizations. Might as well get a head start, because smoking out of a tin-foil pipe has to be the dirtiest, least healthy way to get baked.
These are just some of the ways to get baked nowadays. If none of these smoking methods seem right for you, have no fear, you have plenty of other options: you can eat it, drink it, vape it, or even snort it if you want (not recommended). The possibilities are endless.